We are heading into the seventh and final week of the Omer period, associated with the sephirah (Divine emanation) of Malkut (Sovereignty), which in Jewish mystical tradition is connected with holy speech. The focus of our practice this week is sh’mirat hadibbur, mindful speech. How might we channel all the middot, the sacred traits we have cultivated over the Omer period, so they inform how we interface with the world through speech and action? How can we transform our communications into divrei kodesh, holy words?
As an example of how we might use Jewish mindfulness tools to nurture our innate capacity to communicate wisely and from the sacred traits within us, consider the following situation with which many of us are familiar: speaking up to an authority figure on behalf of others who may not be in a position to do so for themselves. (This example is drawn from the module about Shmirat haDibbur, mindful speech, in the IJS Awareness in Action program.)
Imagine you need to speak to a doctor on behalf of a loved one. You’re feeling concerned about their condition and their care, and have questions about their treatment. The doctor is busy and has been hard to reach. You’ve left a number of messages and the office keeps insisting you’ll hear back soon. Finally, your phone rings: the doctor is calling you back.
You only have a few precious minutes. A lot is riding on how it goes. Your intention is to express all your concerns and raise all your questions. You want to communicate with respect, but also be treated with respect. You want to honor the doctor’s expertise, but not be intimidated by the doctor’s authority. You want to communicate warmly, but not be submissive.
Step one is to cultivate hitlamdut, kind, nonjudgmental attention to what is happening in this moment. Notice what’s happening within you and, as judgments arise, let those pass. Scan your body, and just observe: maybe your chest is constricted, your breath shallow, your heart speeding. Your mind may be racing with fear-based thoughts.
Maybe worry or sadness and pain is feeding critical thoughts about the healthcare system, medical professionals in general, or this doctor in particular. You may have anxiety about your loved one’s condition. Speaking with an authority figure may be deeply uncomfortable. You may notice frustration at not hearing back more quickly from the doctor, annoyance about the doctor calling you back at an inconvenient time.
You might be nervous whether the doctor will be receptive to your concerns, or will be defensive. Recognize your anxiety as it manifests in your body, your breathing, your emotions, and your mind. Accept these anxiety-based thoughts and emotions as they are, without wishing or pushing them away.
Now move to the next step, the bechirah point – the moment in which you grow more aware of your options.
Begin by investigating your habitual reaction in this situation. Maybe your anxiety feeds an instinct to become passive, deferential, or avoid. Maybe it inclines you to get off the phone before fully exploring the issues. This approach would ill-serve your loved one and leave you feeling guilty and more frustrated. Maybe your worry leads you to be overly confrontational. Maybe when you are nervous, you tend to express anger or hostility. That might feel good at the moment, but surely it would be unhelpful and unwise.
Investigate your underlying anxiety, the obstacle drawing you away from your original intention, which risks leading you to express yourself in an unwise and unproductive way. Then practice non-identification by remembering that anxiety is the normal human reaction in this situation, and it is not you. You might silently whisper, “This is anxiety, and it, too, will pass.”
Now, apply the middah of sh’mirat hadibbur, the capacity to use speech for holy purpose. Return to your original intention. What kind of world do you want to create with your speech?
- You might notice that you can speak with chesed as if you had a loving connection with the doctor as a fellow human being.
- You might speak with gevurah, strength, insisting that you be received as your loved one’s advocate.
- You might infuse the conversation with anavah, humility, balanced self, by taking the time you need to raise all of your concerns and questions, and also by leaving time for the doctor’s responses and setting a time for a follow-up conversation.
- You might use your zerizut, your energetic response, to seize this precious opportunity to engage with your loved one’s doctor.
- And you might end the conversation with hodayah, with gratitude, thanking the doctor for the effort and time.
Now you have practiced sh’mirat hadibbur, not allowing your anxiety, anger, or fear to distort your words or to thwart your intention. You’ve spoken clearly, strongly, respectfully, and effectively. You’ve been an effective advocate for your loved one. Your words have emerged from the middot representing your best self.
This is just one scenario we may find ourselves in during everyday life in which sh’mirat hadibbur, choosing wisely when and how to speak, can help us use the gift of speech. Through this middah, we can learn to raise our voice on behalf of ourselves and others who are vulnerable, in a way that emerges from our best selves and our most noble intentions.